A caregiver’s reflection, one year after loss
Nancy recently passed the one-year anniversary of her husband Dan’s death. They were married for thirty-four years. After a year of grieving, remembering, and simply enduring, she finds herself in a new kind of space. One she did not expect.
It is not filled with answers. It is not exactly peace. It is not as raw as it was. It is something else. Nancy has not read many books on grief. She has not joined groups or followed a structured roadmap. Her approach has been quieter. Slower. She has allowed herself to feel her way through each day without forcing understanding.
And now, she is noticing something new.
She is beginning to live without Dan
There are moments when she makes decisions without wondering what Dan might have wanted. She moves through daily life without constantly referencing their shared rhythm.
Sometimes that makes her feel strong. Other times it makes her feel guilty. How could she be adjusting? How could she be functioning on her own? It is hard to know whether to call it progress or betrayal.
But she also forgets that he is gone
This happens often. Sometimes within the same hour. She catches herself getting up to tell Dan something. She reaches to share a detail. She wakes up and instinctively looks for him. Even a year later, part of her brain still expects him to be there.
The reality feels split in two
Nancy describes this time as a dual existence. One part of her is growing into an independent life. Another part still feels rooted in the life they built together. This does not show up in tidy stages. It flickers back and forth, often within the same day. Perhaps that is what grief looks like after a year. Not finished. Not fresh. Not gone. Just different.
Dan prepared her for this
He helped her find the strength to stand alone. He gave her tools, confidence, a quiet belief in her own resilience. Still, he remains present. Not as a ghost, but as a thread woven through her instincts, choices, and routines.
Nancy does not know how long this in between space will last. Maybe forever. But she knows this: she is not alone in it.
Practical Advice for Navigating Life in the In Between
1. Give yourself permission to feel both independence and longing
Grief is not a linear process. You may move between strength and sorrow, comfort and confusion. This is part of the experience, not a sign of doing it wrong.
2. Use tools like Caring Conversations
Caring Conversations offers questions to guide meaningful dialogue during caregiving, crisis, and grief. It helps people navigate hard topics with intention.
Also, the Center for Practical Bioethics offers a free workbook and conversation starters to support family planning and care decisions.
3. Join a support group
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Look for grief groups in your area such as GriefShare, which combines videos, reflection, and group sharing in a 13-week format. Find a group near you.
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Some churches and community centers offer seasonal or faith-based support programs.
4. Explore peer and professional options
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The VA Caregiver Support Program offers peer mentoring and virtual grief sessions for caregivers.
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A grief-informed therapist or counselor can help if you feel stuck or overwhelmed.
5. Accept that grief has no expiration date
It is normal to feel like you are making progress one moment and then undone the next. Grief does not disappear. It changes shape over time. If feelings of sadness or numbness interfere with daily functioning for a prolonged period, consider looking into treatment for complicated grief. Learn more.